I'm sooo sleepy

The event horizon in reference to a black hole is the exact point in which you are “in” the black hole. It is the point in which there is no turning back. That’s how I feel about Tuesday; it’s when I will know how long the process of fixing my life will actually take. This has of course made me as anxious and stressed as I have ever been. My mind is constantly racing with questions, possibilities, and facts. I can barely close my eyes at night without my mind exploding. I barely sleep in the first place and now I am not sleeping at all; I am therefore useless today, no actually I am clinically retarded today, as well as really high strung. While waiting for my train this morning I was watching two deaf mutes argue, yes I said argue. Their arguing consists of very sharp signing, so because of my gawking I almost missed my train. Almost missing my train made me extra cranky and when the woman next to me whipped out her cheerios and starting crunching all over me I almost lost it (my biggest pet peeve is people eating in my ear). I got up and stomped away, as if though that might show her. Later once I got off the train at Rye there was a pebble on the ground that made me trip ever so slightly, this was too much for me to handle and was one tantrum away from a complete nervous break down. I need some heavy-duty yoga relaxing classes, and/or some heavy-duty recreational drugs, which ever is cheaper.

AAAAAAAHHHHH I'm flipping out!!!!!

GREAT NEWS everyone,and by that I mean my three friends that read this, for those who are close and dear to me you may know of my "situation" well.....I think I will be able to resolve it sooner than later. I'm talking about soooooonnnn!!!!!!! Call me guys I need someone to celebrate with!

When does the crazy stop?

I’m always shocked when someone is mean to me. It knocks the air out of me and I take the comment to heart. I stash the incident away and I contemplate it, until I fully analyze every syllable, and even than I can never completely understand why they would want to hurt me? I just file the incident away as I suck that’s why they are being mean to me, but what I understand even less is when someone is nice to me. Their actions and/or words are perplexing to me. I sit and wonder what their inner motives are, why would they want to be nice to me? When anyone pays me a compliment I immediately start thinking of all the reasons they are wrong, and how they are just saying that because they feel obligated to do so. The compliment can range from my physical to any of my skills (I have like two, and one of them is my ability to question and answer myself.), to my work abilities; I don’t believe any of them. I always feel like either they are just trying to be nice and they don’t really mean it, or that for some reason I have forced them to see something that I am not.
For example:


The offensive compliment: You have nice eyes
My “rationalizing” said compliment: Why are you looking so closely? Are you just saying that cause you feel bad about that GIANT pimple on my forehead?
Compliment: You’re really good at this job.
ME: What you are really trying to say is your glad I haven’t fucked everything up recently!
Compliment: You have great taste. You get the best deals!
ME: You think I’m wasting my money and I am gaudy to no end.
Compliment: You have such nice hair.
ME: You think I should just shave my head a la Britney.

Soooo, yeeesss I am that psycho, so I think I will try to be more accepting of compliments without immediately trying to figure out people’s inner motives, and when someone is mean, I’ll just file the incident away as: They are just assholes who don’t appreciate me and all my wonderfulness.

Rain Rain go away...

This weekend I managed to find the ballet flats that I have been searching for! I went to lunch with a friend before I went to see my mom to get our hair done together. I had straightened my hair the day before and it was looking pretty cute, so when my friend saw my hair they "exclaimed your hair is so long! Do not cut it!", so I didn't. The past couple of days it has been rainy and humid and I my hair is all puffy and refuses to stay down! I should have gotten it cut instead of basking in my friend's complement. Today is as we all are aware 9/11. It happened six years ago, I look back and immediately get emotional. It's definitely a day I will never forget. I recall every detail of that day,from what I was wearing to the perfume I was spraying on myself while Steven told me that the planes had just crashed into our beloved towers. I remember crying unconsoleably on my bed all day, and than going to Shore Road and seeing the void of them. I am thankful that exactly a month prior I went up to the top and managed to look down regardless of my extreme fear of heights. I think that we are all thankful that we are here today regardless of all our problems and issues in life.
A few things I am thankful for:
My family who I love and miss no matter how much they annoy me.
My friends who have supported me no matter what.
Myself, I have been through a lot in my life but I still continue to move forward without any regrets. I know that no matter what life throws my way I will succeed in all that I put my mind and heart to. What are you thankful for?

My new favorite jam!

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Whatever colors you have in your mind
I'll show them to you and you'll see them shine.

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Until the break of day, let me see you make him smile
His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean
And you're the best thing that he's ever seen.

Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Why wait any longer for the world to begin
You can have your cake and eat it too
Why wait any longer for the one you love
When he's standing in front of you.

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead
I long to see you in the morning light
I long to reach for you in the night
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead

Tim Gunn's Guide to Style Review

Last night although exhausted from a hard day at work, I managed to stay up and watch Tim Gunn’s new fashion show. I hope you guys remember Tim Gunn, aka my gay fabulous husband from fashion runway. Any who, the show was ok; I think they are still trying to work out the kinks. They have a lot of ideas but it all seemed very patchy. The whole concept is that they give the poor wretch a guideline and she is suppose to figure out her own style with the guidance of Veronica the token super model. I agree with all their rules and guidelines, which emphasize FIT, and to stay true to your personal style.
Example:
A. Underwear is the foundation for a good outfit. I agree you can wear a fabulous dress but if your granny panties are showing through and you boobs are not facing up the way nature and Victoria secret intended, than you go from fashion Do to fashion Don’t.
B. We should all have a core of ten items in our closet that fit us great:
1. Basic black dress pants
2. Basic white dress shirt
3. Trench coat
4. Skirt
5. Day dress
6. Evening dress
7. Blazer
8. Jeans
9. Sweat suit alternative
10. Sweater

I think that we all have to learn what works with our bodies, and accept the things we don’t exactly love about it. My major issue with fashion is that I will buy really great stuff for a “special date”, and than I never end up wearing my clothes. I guess I don’t feel too comfortable with excess attention therefore I don’t wear things that will cause any kind of stir even if I love the outfit. Sick? Yes definitely, but I think I will start each day saying: “Who the F cares?” If people don’t like it they can just look the other way, if my coworkers think that I’m snotty than, quite honestly they can bite me! It’s annoying, but why should it affect me? Their stupid comments range from, “where are you going?” to “Lesslie thinks she’s Sara Jessica Parker”. Well they can kiss my Chanel purse!

Cougars and blouses oh my!

I had the weirdest dream last night, I dreamt that I was sick, so I went to a hospital, and that the doctor was really a tattoo artist. The weird part was that I asked him to draw a cougar on my left thigh. The problem was that he ended up drawing a HUGE cougar on me that spanned both my thighs. In my dream I looked in the mirror at my tattooed thighs and thought “this all happened because I was too weak to say no”. This is all very symbolic according to the website I ran to for advice this morning! Apparently something that started out as a small “game” to me has ended up as a permanent mark on me that I feel could have been avoided had I said no early on. I could think of a dozen things that the dream applies to through out my whole life. I have always been hesitant of saying NO to someone, not because I’m scared of them or because I’m such a wimp…even though I guess I am, but because I truly do not want to hurt their feelings. This applies to me when I was five or fifteen. When I was five and my mom insisted on me wearing a white puffy short sleeve blouse to school instead of me saying I don’t want to wear that shirt, I would just cry, and cry and when she would ask me why I would say nothing scared that she would be hurt. When I was older and my friends wanted me to do stuff I was not so comfortable doing I would do it anyways because I did not want to be the one to ruin anybody’s time! I would stay quiet and than later on lament my having done the things I did but mostly feel guilty because of the fraud that I really was. I look at myself now and to no great surprise I am that same five year old. Who just can’t bear to make anyone upset because of her, so I work extra for no extra pay, or even though I get to work early so that I can eat breakfast and read the news at my leisure, when my boss asks me to do something mid bite I still get up and go do what ever I am told. My roommate has eaten about 20 boxes of my cereal and other food, yet I still act all BFF with her. Not one peep out of me, instead I run home and cry with my puffy white blouse. Don’t get me wrong I have tried to stop this self-defeating behavior I try my No from time to time. Ex: when my father insisted on discussing my divorce, and by discuss I mean badger me till I want to jam the jalapeño in my eye, I said “NO I don’t want to talk about that.” Later on I called my mother completely upset that I might have hurt his feelings, but still I said NO. When my boss came in the other day while I was munching on my cereal and he wanted me to do something, twenty minutes before I even had to be there, I said “Sure, I will definitely do that when I’m done.” Moral of the story? Just say “NO” than go home and cry.

It's fall but who the hell cares.

I started my post this morning with a long winded account of how I came to the sad realization that fall is here. As the day went by and more and more people began to annoy me I saved the post for a time when I am in a less murderous mood. A customer came in today and plopped himself in the seat by my desk, he came to do the simple task of paying a bill. As I looked for his policy and folder he forewarned me, "don't take to long or I will bleed all over your desk" I took this is a weird comment until I looked over at his hand which was in fact bleeding all over my desk. Who would do such a thing, I think most of our customers are so pretentious and think that they have the right to bleed all over our desks! This got me thinking, I am not made to be dealing with the public! I almost got sick over this asshat who bled all over important papers that I had on my desk. With that said I will now diligently study for the GMAT in order for me to get my masters so that when I can fix my situation, (most of you know of my situtation already, no need to elaborate) I can get a job being a research analyst, or a money manager, or anything but this. I'm not made to amuse customers with small talk and cheap jokes. I can't giggle at will and i most certainly can not deal with customers who sit next to me aware that their limps are falling off and are sopping up their blood off my papers with a kleenex but still want to pay their bills. MBA here I come!

I'm BAAAACCCCCKKKK

As per the request of my sole reader, I decided to come update the blog. Even though this means that I have to face the shamefull truth that even though I swore to all that was good and holy that I would write daily, I didn't. This time around no more promises, but I will honestly try my best to squeeze out a few sentences daily. This weekend went really fast, it seemed shorter than usual even though it was labor day weekend, and therefore we had an extra day off. I went camping... yes you hear right, camping. It was nice, we kayaked to an island off Norwalk CT, and stayed there Saturday night. It was cold at night, the flies were relentless, the smoke from the coals made me sick and I got sick all over a poor unsuspecting bush. I heard a raccoon and it kept me awake because i feared it would sneak attack me. I went fishing and although spotted plenty of fish cruising around mocking my limited skills, I caught nothing. The sun was bright and I got a nice tan, I enjoyed kayaking around the sound, and perfected my technique, and by that i mean i didn't fall over and managed to fight the occasional rogue wave. We came back on Sunday afternoon, and I took an hour shower in which I scrubbed, exfoliated, bathed in lotion, perfumed myself until i started to believe i was civilized again. THANNN I went and found the most perfect boots!! They are Donna Karen, and they are sooo cute, they can be worn slouched, a style i never thought I would like, but now I love! Or they can be worn straight up like a normal boot, did i mention I lOOOVVVEEE them. I also found the shampoo and conditioner that makes my hair feel super soft and smells purdy! It's sunsilk, anti-poof, and for all that know me, I am sooo poofy! I have a lot of hair and it's thick. I don't style my hair, I tame it, so this shampoo and conditioner helps me suppress it while leaving it extra soft and shiny. I miss the weekend. I miss my bed. The good part about today is that tomorrow it's already Wednesday, and that means half way done with the week.
TTFN!